I have an appointment on Tuesday with Dr Hain and I'm scared. I'm not even totally sure what I'm scared about. There's a possibility I could be told there are ultimately 2 options - live with it or have surgery that risks deafness. But I couldn't really be told that Tuesday since I'm pretty sure they'd need to do another CT to be sure that bone wearing away is truly the issue.
I hate not knowing what is wrong with me. Every additional twitch/pain sets off warning signals in my brain, that maybe the doctors missed something the first time. Although my films have been looked at by 3 different qualified professionals. I don't think they ALL could have missed something huge. I worry that if they do the CT, they'll discover the meningioma is in fact growing and that we'll need to treat that.
I really need to try and not think about any of this today. I have plenty to do during naptimes - assessment, daily reading for my dad, clean up around here. But when Carolyn is awake, I can't seem to help my mind from wandering. After all, playing with an 11 month old is not exactly the most mind stimulating thing in the world. I'm also quite exhausted, despite Carolyn sleeping 7-5 last night. I just kept waking up throughout the night. I need to go enjoy my daughter and try not to focus on what might be. It doesn't help that my mom's birthday was 3/21 and I've been thinking about her a lot. I miss her and I wish she was around to help me through all of this. I can't wait for Jon to get home so we can be together tonight. Then I have 9 days with him for break. Too bad this appointment falls right in the middle.
Enough rambling, off to play with Carolyn.
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You're not rambling, you're venting, and this is the best place to do it.
ReplyDeleteTry and come to peace with the fact that "it is what it is" and much of it is "out of your control". Easier said than done, right? Of course. However, rather than scratching your head and thinking of this it "could" be, why not put more energy into learning how to cope? If your mind wanders a lot when you're playing with Carolyn, maybe consider putting on some of your favorite music in the background? Music has been a life saver for me lately.
I hope you get some answers this week - but understand that sometimes there really is no right answer. You have to be at peace with the fact that sometimes it's just hard to find a conclusive diagnosis... which is why I think you should spend more time learning how to come to terms with this "new you" as opposed to worry.
Thinks always work out in the end. Find the good in your situation. Maybe it has taught you to slow down and smell the roses?
I wish you all the best, and hope you get some good news on Tuesday - but if you don't, it's okay. I promise you that.
xoxo
Rachel